I R R E G U L A R ******** *** ******** *** ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******** ********* ** ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******* ** ** *** Polish American Jewish And Chauvinistic Bilingual Biweekly Bipartisan (6) The only cultural exchange on this godforsaken list!!!! Brought to you FREE exclusively by +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + Editorial Staff: + + Water - 89.5% + + Alcohol - 9.5% + + Trace minerals - 1% + + ------------------------------------------------------- + + Among others: + + Red. Bezczelny + + (Editor-in-Grief) Dh. Adach Smiarowski + + Red. Zastepczy + + (PC Editor) (urlop zdrowotny) + + Red. Nieodpowiedzialny + + (Exp-Editor) (Nazwisko znane redakcji) + + Red. Polny + + (Field Effect Transistor) vacans + + War Correspondent + + (telex from Mokotow) Kazek Duperas + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ******** special section ********* "RAZ NA LUDOWO" OR SPECIAL SECTION FOR USENETTERS ad usum usenetti Our favorite polish jokes. Story #4. Once upon a time abig truck pulled over to the lumber shop (wouldn't that add some tint if we said that the truck's logo was "Jozek & Wicek Construction Co."?). A fellow walks out with a paper sheet in his hand and asks the dealer: - Do you have any four-by-twos? - You mean two-by-fours - says the dealer. - Hmm, yeah, let me check with my partner. He goes back to the truck, argues for a while and returns. - Yes, -- he says. -- They may be two-by-fours. - All right -- says the dealer. -- How long do you need them? The fellow again goes back to the truck to discuss the matter with his partner. Then he comes back and says. - For very long. We gonna build a house. ******** end of special section ******** - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - VACATION IN POLAND (cut and save) (A primer for Innocents Abroad) PART I At the airport Follow the throng. Don't ask uniformed functionaries any questions! First, they don't know the answers. Second, they won't answer anyhow. Remember: there is not enough room to get lost and any mess has its charms. When in a line to customs, look for a porter (or alike) who helps with a luggage. Give him a fufu, and he will transport you to the second line where control is not so severe, if at all. Note: Fufu is $5, or 50,000 zl. But it fluctuates with the market and, occasionaly, may run up to $10. At the restaurant First, try to avoid. If you are already there, don't make a fuss, when a waiter beats a living tar out of you. Under no circumstances complain to the manager. He is usually the stronger one. On the street An average polish female street engineer has 1.5 managers, sometimes called pimps. You abuse the woman, pay the manager (don't try otherwise) and bring home what you deserve. Credit cards not accepted, rates may vary. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CULTURAL NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD SZCZYTNO () Zakonczyl sie ostatni, 45 Festiwal Piesni Milicyjnej "Slawa i Pala". Jak co roku wygrala "Niebieskooka". Jury przesluchuje publicznosc. Za rok pierwszy Festiwal Piesni Policyjnej. PORONIN () Announcement from the church bulletin board: "Applications to KO (Citizens Committee): non-catholics and party members need not apply!" [TS 11(78)] *********** ENVIRONMENTALISTS' SECTION ****************** MT. ARARAT () Members of Green Piece of Cake, Intl. gathered recently at the base of Mt. Ararat, Georgia, USSR. After reading many scholarly papers on climate warming and global "greenhouse effect" the most active members are now climbing up the mountain, while others are cutting trees all around for the project "Ark 1990". Donations (in wood) from any environment-concious groups are encouraged. ********************************************************************* FROM KAZEK'S BASEMENT So we have a war again (didn't I anticipate it?). It's hard to say who are "we" and who are "they" (i.e., enemies), which is natural at this stage. At any rate, I invested my capital ($1.50) in some hardware and presently am involved in a major project of making basement passages to Wola. Essentially, I and my neighbour, follow the diagrams from 1944. With one exception: we have to bypass Rakowiecka. You bet it keeps us busy. Kazek PS. You may wonder, how come we don't count on sewer system? Let me tell you that it's getting congested. More and more military and security folks are using it and there are toll booths everywhere (capitalism). K. ********************************************************************* KABANET "BZDETY NA NETY" ma zaszczyc/przedstawic/niepotrzebne skreslic nieprzyzwoita sztuke z wystawieniem "Wymiana pogladow czyli Zwyciestwo Karola" (Zjazd Absolwentow Liceum im. Karola M. W glebi, na scianie, portret patrona. Absolwenci przepychaja sie w te i wewte przy czym pokazuja jeden drugiemu zdjecia.) Absolwent 1: Patrzcie. Tu moj krysztal i zastawa! Absolwent 2: Oto moj telewizor! Kolorowy, japonski. Absolwent 1: Glupstwo! To jest moj VCR. Absolwent 3: E tam! To jest moja motorowka! Absolwent 1: Hej! Tu jest moj motocykl! Absolwent 4: A to jest moje auto! Absolwent 2: A to sa moje dwa auta! Absolwent 3: A to jest moj dom! Absolwent 4: A to jest moja dacza! Dziad z Obrazu: Hej, tam na dole! A to jest moja dupa! (obraca sie tylem z wystawieniem) Chor Licealistow: Karol byl nie glupiec, Karol byl chlop mowny! Chociaz golodupiec, Lecz nie goloslowny! Wskazal potomnosci Z doza kokieterii Niebyt swiadomosci W odbycie materii! KURTYNA opada zgorszona (Od redakcji: Wszelkie podobienstwo osob, miejsc i zdarzen jest nieuniknione.) ******************************************************************** Z NASZEGO SPIEWNIKA Erotyk niepogodny Popieprzylo sie, mila, popieprzylo, Postawilo sie, mila, sercu wspak. Zla zwrotnica na tor boczny przestawilo I stanelo w byle polu byle jak. A w tym polu, mila, szarosc i codziennosc, Bura pustka, nieprzejrzana mgla, Melancholii chlod, senna bezsennosc I dwa cienie. Ktory ty, a ktory ja? Zwariowalo sie, mila, zwariowalo, Pokrecilo sie, mila, ze az strach! Nie tam mialo zjechac, gdzie zjechalo, Z bitej drogi w nieprzebrany piach. A wokolo w siwym szronie pajeczyny, Dlugie brody osowialych mchow. Czy to lkaja nasze pierwsze zareczyny? Czy to placze, mila, nasz ostatni slub? ... (deszczowy koniec maja 1990) KACIK CZARKA KOLBERGA Moja Marys zlota, Kupilbym ci kota, Zeby lapal szczury Kolo twojej dziury. W kalinowym lasku Narobilam wrzasku. Na Boga swietego! Daj mi spokoj, Jasku! W malinowym lesie Ugryzles mnie, piesie. Ugryzles mnie w noge, Tancowac nie moge. Jak jechalem od Przemysla, Trzymala sie baba dyszla. A ja do niej jak kogucik, Ona pierla, a ja ucikl. QUESTIONS TO THE RESIDENT EXPERT Q: What's a difference between our comp_list and restroom walls? A: The latter has better graphics. ************************************************* * Artykuly zamawiane i niezamawiane * * redakcja wypija i zwraca bezpowrotnie * * Numer zamknieto z redakcja * * 5/24/90 * *************************************************