I R R E G U L A R ******** *** ******** *** ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******** ********* ** ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******* ** ** *** Polish American Jewish And Chauvinistic Bilingual Biweekly Bipartisan (4) The only cultural exchange on this godforsaken list!!!! Brought to you FREE exclusively by +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + Editorial Staff: + + Water - 89.5% + + Alcohol - 9.5% + + Trace minerals - 1% + + ------------------------------------------------------- + + Among others: + + Red. Bezczelny + + (Editor-in-Grief) Dh. Adach Smiarowski + + Red. Zastepczy + + (PC Editor) (urlop zdrowotny) + + Red. Nieodpowiedzialny + + (Exp-Editor) (Nazwisko znane redakcji) + + Red. Polny + + (Field Effect Transistor) vacans + + War Correspondent + + (telex from Mokotow) Kazek Duperas + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Sobie spiewam, a Muzom." Jan K. ******** special section ********* "RAZ NA LUDOWO" OR SPECIAL SECTION FOR USENETTERS ad usum usenetti Here we go again --- all-time favorite polish jokes. Story #2. Q. Why does the Pope always kiss the ground when he gets off the airplane? A. The pilot is also polish. ******** end of special section ******** Attention Usenetters! If you follow behind this line you do it at your own risk! INTERNATIONAL CULTURAL EXCHANGE Stowarzyszenie Obywateli w Obronie Czystosci Jezyka wystapilo z ostrym protestem do dyrekcji Kabanetu "Bzdety na Nety". Stowarzyszenie domaga sie zmiany nazwy na swojskie "Smieci na Sieci". Trwaja pertraktacje. CULTURAL NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD WARSZAWA(). Teatr Malej Stabilizacji wyszedl ze smiala inicjatywa cyklu inscenizacji "Na czasie, na czasie ...". Cykl zostal zainicjowany "Opera za trzy zlote" (tytul alegoryczny, cena wstepu 30000 zl). Juz wkrotce nastepny spektakl "Od Sachsa do Lachsa". *********** ENVIRONMENTALISTS' SECTION ****************** Nasze przelomy Przelom #1 (rozkaz dzienny 7/123C/1989 ZOMO, okreg stoleczny) ------------------ tu przelomoc ------------------------ Przelom #2 Dunajec pod Sokolica Przelom #3 1989/1990 Jesien (nasza) Ludow Zima (ciepla) bez sw. Nicolae Wiosna (wasza) Budrysow (prognoza) Lieto z radiopriomnikiem ********************************************************************* FINANCIAL CORNER Hints on how to ... Wasn't that a real fun? You read the IRS stuff in the last PAJAC and you were laughing heartily. But now you got sober, and how sober! You are in a nice mess -- one of your conetters read last Financial Corner carefully and as a result you got turned in! You have all the reasons to complain. But wait! We put you there and we will get you out of it! The IRS is after you. So what? Just get the IRS Form 911 "Application for Taxpayer Assistance Order to Relieve Hardship". Send it to the IRS Problem Resolution Office. You are off the list! At least as long as PAJAC endures ... FROM KAZEK'S BASEMENT That convoy from you finally reached me. But what a character he is! (I wonder where you found this one?) First thing that this dumbnail did in Warsaw, was to walk down to Warszawa Wschodnia station. Sure enough, when he got out of that place he was the only one in Praga who thought that he still had his possessions (tell me how you met him). At any rate, nothing was such an issue as his stupid passport. When he finally figured out that he is no longer a happy owner of this document, he ventured some action on his own. (Boy, really, who i s this guy!?) Went some places, saw some folks, got some fights (my bet is Pyry for his birthplace). As the only result of these experiments he became convinced that the passport was not destroyed yet. So, somewhat beaten hither and thither, this naive dodo went to the police station (my second guess is Baniocha). I wish I saw those guys, for they had a lot of fun! Imagine, this booby-head wanted them to recover his passport! (isn't he from Lomianki by any chance?) He's got totally denationalized, indeed! The police told him that they have 1 car (radiowoz) per district, and that they would be glad to help him. He, he! (I wish I saw them!). Let me tell you, policemen would not get out of the car anyhow. I think that this is their way of protesting --- they simply don't give a damn. Not that they ever did ... Finally your buddy got to my basement. Poor lad was in despair. He was talking some funny things that an average shop is robbed every 5 days, that a ratio of murder per capita tripled and plenty other mad stories. He also took a trip to some countryside and ran over three ducks in some village. He had to pay 90kzl, and was exasperated. He is a real goof! At the end he bored me to the white bone. I got out and went to the old gang, down at Lenski Plac (remember them, don't you?). They had this your guy to come over and excuse himself, and ask them politely several times. After they played out their old ritual, they let him pay and released the passport. Boy! Was he happy! He was jumping and wanted to kiss them! This sort of disconcerted them old gang boys and they disposed him some farewell kicks while wondering aloud where from did I got this dumb parowa. BTW, this smart fellow gave me only one dollar out of promised three. He says that he had to increase his provision because of the costs involved. Don't send this lollipop any more! Kazek ********************************************************************* KABANET "BZDETY NA NETY" ma zaszczyc/przedstawic/niepotrzebne skreslic sztuke polityczna dla doroslych "Zloty Srodek" Lud (na melodie kujawiaka): Oj, kiwamy sie, kiwamy, Kieby na tej fali. Czasem z prawej, czasem z lewej, Ciagle nas ktos wali. Prawica (z fanfarami i powaznie): Ku prawicy, ludu zbozny! Narodzie wybrany! Z prawej strony swieca blaski Ziemi Obiecanej. Lewica (marszowo, jak zwykle): Hej! Na lewo mily ludzie, Smialo podnies skronie! Mleko z miodem plynie rzeka Hen! po lewej stronie. Lud (jak wyzej): To nas pchaja, to nas ciagna, To pieszcza, to laja. Czy to sami sie kiwamy, Czy to nas kiwaja? (Wchodzi Roztropek w slomianym kapeluszu) Roztropek: Kiwaja sie z prawej w lewa, Kieby pscoly rojom. Raban czynia jak nalezy, Ino w miejscu stojom! (drapie sie w leb) Zamiast igrzysk, zamiast chleba, Pchnunc ich w srodek trzeba! (Zdejmuje kapelusz i wyciaga z Ludu hoza reprezentantke, z ktora prezentuje nowa polityke centrum) Prawica (majestatycznie i surowo): Kto tam znow rusza lewa? Prawa, prawa, prawa ... Lewica (groznie przez gigantofon): Kto tam znow rusza prawa? Lewa, lewa, lewa ... Roztropek (sapiac): Ja nie lewom ani prawom, Ino srodkiem rusam zwawo ... Lud (radosnie): Zamiast gadac po proznicy O lewicy i prawicy, Polityke slawmy srodka, Dzielnego Roztropka! Roztropek (jak wyzej): ... ja nie lewom ani prawom, ino srodkiem rusam zwawo ... Moral (sam sie mowi): Jak powiadal Pascal Blazej, "Lepsze srodki, niz miraze!" Roztropek (jak wyzej): ... ja nie lewom ani prawom, ino srodkiem rusam zwawo ... KURTYNA nie robi tego swinstwa publicznosci i nie zapada ******************************************************************** KACIK MELOMANA Zakonczyl sie Konkurs Piosenki Technicznej. Oto nagrodzone utwory: W kategorii piesni historycznych: "Wiec pijmy wino, inzynierowie" W kategorii piesni frywolnych: "Inzynierzy, inzynierzy, calowali, niech mi pan uwierzy" Nagrode publicznosci otrzymal zapoznany plagiat "Ukladanka": "Sa takie dni w tygodniu Gdy nic mi sie nie uklada: Poniedzialek, wtorek, sroda, Czwartek, piatek, sobota I niedziela. Dzez!" KACIK BRONKA MALINOWSKIEGO Today we shall present a proposition "On uniqueness of polish culture" donated exclusively to PAJAC by Ob. R. Zepala. Ob. R. Zepala, an obscure ethnologist from Ustrzyki Gorne, spent most of his life in Ustrzyki Dolne, where he worked hard in a local hardware store. During extensive research he collected many examples of unique aspects of polish culture. Few of these examples Ob. R. Zepala benevolently donated to PAJAC. We reproduce them here by his permission. Example 1. A teacher in Ustrzyki D. Elementary School asked students what is the warmest country in the world. Kaziu said: - It is Czechoslovakia, because you can buy bananas over there. - Very good - said the teacher. - What do you think, Joziu? - It is DDR - said Joziu, - because one can buy oranges yonder. - Very true, indeed - said the teacher. - What would you say, Karolku? - Oh, it surely is Soviet Union - answered Karolek. - My grandma came from there last February wearing sneakers. Example 2 Workers from Pietropawlowsk wondered who was writing over walls in their factory restrooms. So they asked a renown institution, Radio Erevan. After careful investigations, Radio Erevan announced: Respectful workers from Pietropawlowsk. We found a culprit! This is some Ivan Ilicz Cziernozhepcov. He is the one that always washes his hands after using a restroom. - - - Ob. R. Zepala extensively experimented with the above stories. He made a few small changes like replacing Soviet Union with USA, Pietropawlowsk with Philadelphia, Radio Erevan with QYV News Radio, and Ivan I. Cziernozhepcov with Jack Johnson. Polish audience still loved them. Neither Russians nor Americans, though, saw anything funny in these stories. KACIK CZARKA KOLBERGA Dzis panslawistycznie (taka moda). (zaslyszane na Ukrainie, wedle Perejslawia) Ni tudy, ni siudy, Drobny deszczyk idy. Katerina wyszla sraty A tu soltys ide. A ty, job twoju mat'! Kuda wyszla srat'? Katerina sztany w ruki I poczela udirat'. (zaslyszane w Slowacji, nieopodal Csadsy i dedykowane docentowi Janowi R., University of Tennessee, Knoxville, na pamiatke od redakcji) Ne pij Janku, ne pij wodu. Woda te ide na szkodu. Ale ty sa napij wina, To je dobra medicina. (zaslyszane w Rosji, w Odessie) Odin Amierikaniec Wsadil do zopy paliec I wytaszczil otsiuda Gawna czietyrie puda. ************************************************* * Artykuly zamawiane i niezamawiane * * redakcja wypija i zwraca bezpowrotnie. * * Numer zamknieto z redakcja * * 4/23/90 * *************************************************